“No, You Wouldn’t Survive the Apocalypse. Now Please Adjust Your Tinder Profile Accordingly”
Hey, Chad. Greetings from all of us here at the Tinder Complaint Department. We have a pressing matter we need to discuss with you.
And yes, we know “Chad” isn’t your real name. That’s okay. “Chad” is universally accepted as the name most often linked to frat guys and various other lame-asses with daddy’s money and a Percocet connection.
So, as they say, if the shoe fits.
But also, there’s multiple pictures on your profile of you and some other scrawny white dudes—legally constituting what’s referred to in our bylaws as a “gaggle”—chugging Natties and wearing an unacceptable amount of Vineyard Vines clothing. This is also very “Chad” behavior.
Anyway, it’s come to our attention that your profile includes inaccurate or misleading statements. Here at Tinder, we take the safety of our users very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that we refuse to reveal the exact location of young women to potential predators if they’re within a mile. UNLIKE SOME OTHER DATING APPS WE MIGHT MENTION.
But that’s beside the point.
As we mentioned, you’ve been accused by multiple female users for making inaccurate or misleading statements. Several official complaints allege that the opening line of your profile reads “taking applications for a survival buddy when the apocalypse comes if you ain’t willing to repopulate the earth then swift left.”
Upon further inspection, we have found the accusations to be well-founded.
As we’re sure you’re aware—given your hastily-offered consent during the legal portion of our sign-up procedures at 1:53 a.m. yesterday morning—any statements made in reference to the End of Days (hereby referred to as EOD) are taken very seriously.
Given the fact that the previous-and-now-once-again-elected President of the United States was once accused of giving a golden shower to a Russian prostitute, and our current President struggles through “Cat in the Hat,” we at Tinder believe it is our responsibility to prepare for the inevitable conclusion of this country in whatever way we can.
And ensuring that the brave young women who download our application in desperation are safe and secure in the most dire of times is the least we can do.
Given the seriousness of this offense—which might very well lead to the untimely death of more than two of our female users—we have issued a 48-hour suspension of your account.
During said suspension, you will still be able to swipe and message with matches. However, you will be unable to access any and all features linked to your Tinder Premium purchase.
Additionally, your opening line—“taking applications for a survival buddy when the apocalypse comes if you ain’t willing to repopulate the earth then swift left “—will be removed. If you attempt to make another statement even remotely similar to said opener, we will be forced to issue an additional 48-hour suspension.
We can do this all day, Chad.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. But we believe it’s for your own good, young man. So we suggest that you use the time wisely and go to church or read some Judith Butler.
Given the imminence (that means it’s coming real soon, Chad) of the EOD, it is imperative that all Americans prepare for their eventual reality by practicing outdoor skills or taking some swimming lessons. Once we are satisfied that you would serve as an adequate EOD survival buddy for our female users, we will allow you the opportunity to “score some strange” via our application by replacing your original opening line to your profile.
If you wish to appeal this decision, you may do so by following the directions after clicking on the “Legal Recourse” section of your profile.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely, Tinder
